On Wednesday, I accompanied my mom on a shopping excursion to the scourge of all giant retail chains–Wal-Mart. Not just any Wal-Mart, but a SUPER Wal-Mart (though it’s not the biggest, nor super-est Wal-Mart I’ve ever visited. It’s certainly the most unpleasant.) Since she’s developed an ulcer on the bottom of her foot, she has been forced to wear a boot which makes driving (and walking) difficult. While Mom loaded herself into a motorized cart, she gave me the task of following her with a shopping cart and dubbed me “Lady Amy, Keeper of the Cane.” (That’s a fancy way of saying, “My mom shoved her cane into the shopping cart and told me to push it.”)
Now, in general, it is hard to keep up with my mom in stores. She starts pushing her shopping cart haphazardly–rushing ahead one moment, stopping the next )without informing her fellow shoppers, who continue on). All this is made worse with an electric cart. My mom was flying through Wal-Mart like she would get a $10,000 prize for “Fastest Disabled Shopper in an Electric Cart.”
Forget trying to look at anything. It was a work-out trying to keep up with Speedy McSpeedster. So I lost my mom. Multiple times. I hate being alone in congested stores like Wal-Mart on busy afternoons, especially when I’m crabby because of the heat and humidity oppressing our region, the screaming kids running up and down and around the aisles, and the ever-changing product locations. Wal-Mart, would it really be too difficult to keep “Seasonal” items in the same place every time I shop at your store?
After yelling at some kids who were screaming like howler monkeys as they flicked each other with Martha Stewart brand towels, I sought refuge in the book and magazine section of the store. While perusing luscious literature, I discovered this hilarious product placement (see photo below.) Photo caption contest, anyone?
Shopping at Wal-Mart feels like "23 minutes in hell."
Finally, it was time to check out. Despite having 100 cashier counters, approximately five of them were open—four of which were for 20 items or less. Therefore, I instructed Mom to speed over to the self-check-out. We were about to do what I hated other people doing—buying a multitude of groceries at self-check-out. And I did it—only slightly shamed—and disrupting the system a total of seven times (the cashier didn’t even have to come over. She just pressed a button from her kiosk.)
I loaded Mom’s items in my vehicle, backed out of my space, and silently prayed I would make it out of the Wal-Mart parking lot without getting into an accident or hitting a pedestrian. The Wal-Mart parking lot is a Wild West of its very own, and I, friends, am not brave enough to pioneer it on a regular basis. Those are the sordid details of my grumpy Wal-Mart adventure—some of which I’m proud of (like telling those annoying kids to stop acting like howler monkeys) and some of which I’m not-so-proud (telling my mom to stop acting like a howler monkey.) All-in-all, I think I learned some valuable lessons here:
1. Electric riding carts should come with a GPS unit that allows daughters to keep track of their free-wheeling mothers.
2. When yelling at other people’s children, expect a confrontation with Momma Bear. Or in this case, “I-Don’t-Care” Momma.
Me: “Your kids are running around screaming. You need to some something.
IDC Momma: “So? They’re my kids. What does it matter to you?” Far off look, as though she sees pink bunnies hopping down the aisle.
Me: “It matters to me because they’re annoying me.” Walk away in a huff. Not the best exemplification of Christ.
3. There is a plentiful selection of Oreos available at Wal-Mart, including the much sought after Mint Oreos, which can be used to make this delicious recipe. My “Oreo Buddies” on Twitter will be overjoyed at this discovery.
4. It is less stressful to drive in New York City at rush hour on a Friday than it is to drive in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
5. Finally, Wal-Mart’s underwear prices really are unbeatable.
I hope that my story will help you have a more pleasurable Wal-Mart shopping experience. But I doubt it. You know what I don’t doubt? That you will enjoy the smattering of excitement awaiting you in some of the best stuff I found around the web this week…
*The brand new OWL CITY album is out! All Things Bright And Beautiful released June 14, but I purchased it on iTunes this week with a gift card. So far, “Alligator Sky” (without the rapper) is my fave song, but “Honey and the Bee” is flirting with my affections. Review forthcoming. If you’re an extreme Owl City fan, you might want to buy the album on iTunes for the bonus song, “How I Became the Sea” for $9.99. On Amazon, it’s $7.99 to download and $11.88 for a hard copy (plus shipping, of course). Plus, if you don’t have Owl City’s first album, Ocean Eyes, you can download it for $5.99 on Amazon. Ocean Eyes contains the hit song “Fireflies” and lots of other awesome. I highly recommend both albums.
*My friend, Shari, is doing a giveaway on her blog for a $20 gift code to DaySpring’s Online Store. You can read her story about how all things are possible and leave a comment to enter. Enter now because her giveaway ends TODAY!!! (My DaySpring review and giveaway is coming up on Monday.)
*Over at The High Calling, Gordon Atkinson wrote a beautiful post called “A Letter to My Doubting Daughter.” Sometimes I’m the doubting daughter and sometimes I’m a “father” who wants someone I love to understand and cling to my faith. Prepare to tear up. (Amy’s personal note: I think I find this so emotional because I wish my own father wrote a letter like this to me when I was wrestling with my doubts. I wish he wasn’t wrestling with his own doubts. Father/daughter situations always make me sad.)
*This is my dog, Maddy the Shih Tzu, attacking those airbags that cushion mail packages. She seems to think ripping them apart is hilarious. Now my friends and family are saving these little treasures so the world can have more videos like the one you see above starring Madddy with a special appearance by Cassie the Peekapoo, my hand, my voice, and Shari talking in the background.
*Shannon over at Books Devoured (yes, the same chick who made the Kindle vs. Nook Color video from last week) wrote a great post this week called “Burning the Pretty Candles.” She writes about how she saves eagerly anticipates book releases, buys books, but saves them for later. Oh, Shannon, I am the same way! There’s always another book to review or something to write and I find I’m not enjoying myself. I forget about the music I really want to listen to and the books I really want to read. It’s a great post, so check it out!
*Finally, I want to tell you about the exciting new ketchup packaging available at Chick-fil-a. Gone are the days where you have to squeeze your ketchup out of a little packet or pump it into a mini-cup. Now you can do both–dip or squeeze! Are these not the best ketchup packages available?! I just want to get an order of waffle fries so I can squeeze and dip to my little heart’s content.
Stop back next Friday when I disclose information about a top-secret project I’m working on called “Amymore.” It is going to be just like “Pottermore,” except completely different. I may or may not make this a video announcement, but if I do, I promise I’ll wear make-up and probably brush my hair (maybe even my teeth!) There you have it, I’m announcing my announcement.
Of course, I know that you’ll be back way before next Friday because I’m kicking off a special contest on Monday in conjunction with DaySpring and (in)courage to win $35 gift code to DaySpring’s online store. Next Friday is also the start of the Freedom Giveaway Hop, which runs from July 1-7 and I’ll be giving away something special. Trust me; you don’t want to miss it!
Now it’s your turn, answer one or all of the following questions–what are your shopping trips to Wal-Mart like? Did you check out the new Owl City album? Did you enter Shari’s giveaway? Are you gonna enter my giveaway? Do you put ketchup on your chicken sandwiches? Are you a squeezer or dipper when it comes to your waffle fries? What do you think about the launch of Amymore? Do you burn your pretty candles? Aren’t my dogs the cutest ever? What do you say to your doubting loved ones?