Open your ears to Wes Pickering’s Hope with music video!

Earlier this month indie singer/songwriter Wes Pickering released his fifth studio album simply titled Hope.  Spending much of 2011 working on the songs for his album, Hope is the best yet from this artist!  You can learn more about Wes, find out about tour information (he’s currently on a Christmas tour with Josh Wilson), and buy the new album at his Internet base, WesPickering.com! 

As soon as Wes shared the music video for “Open My Heart” with me, I knew I had to share it with y’all.  Watch the video below and then I’m going to let Wes to tell you a little more about the song, co-written with Andrew Osenga. 

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Dig deeper into “Open My Heart” with Wes

“Open My Heart” was one of the first songs written for my new album Hope.  Andrew Osenga and I gathered at his studio and began discussing things that were on our hearts.  Both of us wanted to write a song about the contrasts between faith and doubt.  As with many of the other songs on Hope, Mark 9:24 was a verse that played over and over again in our minds: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” 

It’s rare to find such a bold proclamation of faith that, at the same time, acknowledges the presence of serious doubt.  We wanted to capture that sentiment: “God, open our eyes when we don’t see you.”  It’s faith, but it’s also the admission that surrender is a difficult thing to do when we don’t have all the answers.  I think that’s where we find ourselves closest to God, the place where we are completely vulnerable to His will.

I can’t begin to tell you how blessed I feel to get to write with a musician like Andrew Osenga.  He has such an ear for melody, and writing lyrics just comes easily to him.  We never seem to get stuck when we write together because he always has new ideas to get us over the humps. 

We finished the song within a couple of hours, but I didn’t record it for over a year. When I finally began tracking for Hope, “Open My Heart” was the first song I worked on.  The plan for most of the album was to use a lot of electric guitar, but for “Open My Heart,” I had this idea of making a rock song completely with acoustic instruments.  Sometimes if you set limits on yourself, you force yourself to become more creative.  So I played acoustic guitar, mandolin, piano, and I found fun ways to make drum sounds with things like an empty guitar case.  My friend Scott Gypson came over and recorded this great upright bass track.  The result is this wonderfully big sound, like a rock band playing an unplugged show in your living room. 

I’m really excited about this song.  It’s a great way to start the new album, which dives even further into the themes of doubt, faith, and hope.  My prayer is that people who listen to Hope with find encouragement to dig deeper in their faith in spite of any circumstance they face.– Wes Pickering

Pretty cool video, eh?  What do you think of all the instruments Wes is playing?  How many instruments do you know how to play?  What do you think of the song, album, video?  Share all your thoughts below! (And I bet we can even get Wes to respond to some of ‘em.)

Book Review:: Permission to Speak Freely by Anne Jackson

“What is one thing you feel you can’t say in church?”  It’s a question author Anne Jackson posed on her blog, receiving a worldwide response.  Readers mailed hundreds of confessions, some artistic, some simply written on index cards to Jackson who cataloged the responses on PermissionToSpeakFreely.com.  Jackson uses these artistic avowals along with essays and poetry in her astounding new book, Permission to Speak Freely.

In the introduction, Jackson outlines her purpose for putting together Permission to Speak Freely; she wants to let others know they are not alone in their secrets.  She is also clear that her intention is not to malign the church, but rather to allow broken hearts to express their woundedness.  In the end, the author desires readers to find the irresistible hope rooted in God.

Since Anne Jackson is one of my favorite bloggers, it was with eager expectation I began to read Permission to Speak Freely, which is also like an essay-guided PostSecret book, but better!  Incorporating telling art and poetry into her lush writing, Jackson produces her own mosaic masterpiece with the glass shards of her own story.  Admitting her past and present struggles with mental illness, pornography, and drug addiction, Jackson offers the readers freedom to admit their own shameful secrets, first in their minds and then to close friends, small groups, or even PermissionToSpeakFreely.com.

While this book could have easily fallen into an art niche or essay niche, it’s not that kind of book.  In fact, the infusion of Scripture, art, essay, and poetry make this a book that is a treasure, both visually and intellectually.  At times, this book is challenging because readers are meant to wrestle with this book.

Permission to Speak Freely has changed me as a person.  So many books about Christian freedom come from the perspective of male authors, the fact that Anne Jackson is a woman immediately made me more receptive to her message.  And because she is a woman, I believe that her struggles resonate with me in a deeper way, which is not to say that she is not massively appealing to both genders.  Her book is for everyone and really should be read by everyone.  And I do mean everyone, though I fear some may not be ready for the freedom Jackson offers Christians.

Thank you, Anne, for having the chutzpah to write this marvelous book!

Amy’s Grade:: A

**Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”**

Book Review:: Blind Hope by Kim Meeder and Laurie Sacher + Giveaway!

While well-written, Blind Hope: An Unwanted Dog & the Woman She Rescued by Kim Meeder and Laurie Sacher was, well, typical.  The book amounts to a “Christian Soup for the Soul” story about a woman who adopted an emaciated Australian Shepherd mix.  The bits about the dog, Mia, and her relationship with owner Laurie were interesting, heartwarming, and beautiful.  However, the story was broken up by written conversations between Meeder and Sacher which ruined the flow of the tale.

I imagine the detailed accounts of these heart-to-heart talks between the two authors were supposed show the audience how much Laurie was learning about her relationship with God through her relationship with her dog, Mia.  Honestly, my biggest problem was that there was nothing new or fresh about this dog tale.

Because I’m a dog lover, I wanted to love this book.  Though the tale is touching, the story was too simplistic to hold my interest.  But maybe this book is for you, which is why I’m giving away not one, but TWO copies of Blind Hope.

Amy’s Grade: D

To enter to win one of my TWO copies of Blind Hope, leave a comment below telling me the name of your dog (or if you don’t have a dog, what you would name your dog.)  Contest ends June 29 at 11:59 PM EST. Be sure to leave a valid e-mail address so I can contact you if you win!

*With thanks to Waterbook Multnomah for my review and giveaway copies!*

Take 5 with The Glorious Unseen

On a day of heavily anticipated new releases, The Glorious Unseen’s sophomore project, The Hope That Lies In You (BEC Recordings) could easily be overlooked, which is precisely why Backseat Writer is choosing to highlight this amazing album.  The Glorious Unseen’s music can technically be defined as worship, but it doesn’t let loose with the same lame hooks and rhythms.  Lead singer Ben Crist makes sure to provide original material with heartfelt lyrics that rightly reflect upon God’s glory.  Plus, The Glorious Unseen’s musical component is intriguing, sometimes melancholy, but always fresh. Because he’s awesome, Ben kindly agreed to “Take 5” with Backseat Writer.

The Glorious Unseen isn’t like most worship bands I’ve heard.  What makes your band fresh and unique?

The thing I always hear from people is that it’s the lyrics that primarily set it apart from other stuff.  There’s just a real vulnerability and honesty in the lyrics. I’m just writing from my personal experiences. I’m not exactly trying to write worship songs – but that’s usually how it turns out. I’m just putting myself into my art, and wanting to convey what’s on my heart. The lyrics definitely set it apart from most modern worship. The music does as well for sure; it’s all around pretty unique. For this reason, it has taken a bit longer to really “catch on” in that Christian market – because it is so unique. But it is definitely filling the void in the Christian music scene, so I feel that it will continue to gain momentum.

Tell me about the album’s title track, “The Hope That Lies In You.” What’s the underlying message of this song?  And is it the message that runs through the entire album? (Side note: Whenever I listen to this song, tears well up in my eyes. I love it.)

Yes, this is the overall message of the whole album – that despite what is going on in the world around us, there is a hope that lies within each one of us – and mainly in God. We don’t have any hope in ourselves apart from God. So, with God, there is a hope that lies within us – through God. This is kind of a “battle-cry” to modern day Christians that may be struggling with apathy and depression. We need to get up and go out and have an impact. We need to be reminded of this hope we have in Christ.  No more sitting around and being depressed – time for action.

The album’s first single, “Heavyhearted,” talks about God’s grace in the midst of wandering and shame. Would you please share about a time when you’ve felt heavyhearted and how you worked through it?

Ummm – today? Yesterday?  Every day?  Haha. Yeah, I mean there are times every day where I’m struggling with some feelings of being disconnected from God’s presence. Certainly, there are times when I feel this more than other times, but really, the deal is that God wants to pour our His love for me at every moment. He always wants to take me back in the midst of my struggle – in the midst of my shame – He wants to call me back to him right now!!! Even as I am typing this, He is calling me to his heart!! He is constant; he has no end. His love is totally huge and bigger than anything we have ever experienced.

There are so many amazing songs on The Hope That Lies In You.  Tell me about a couple of your faves, please!

It’s hard to pull one out right now because they’re all so new and exciting to sing right now!! I’m so stoked to start playing “Falling Into You,” “We Can Be Renewed,” and “Awakening.”  Man, I can’t wait to sing those lyrics.  They’re even more honest than the lyrics on the last record.  People have told me that the new lyrics are more serious even then the last record. I’m so stoked to get into those songs. It’s gonna be intense. There are some hardcore issues that we are dealing with in these new lyric–depression, separation, addiction, hope, pain, spiritual warfare. I expect these shows coming up to be intense.

Let’s move on to a lighter question—what’s one of the funniest things that happened while you were recording this album?

Hmmm… Probably the appearance of Trevor “The Phoenix” Mitchell. If you don’t know what that is – go watch our studio video blog.  That’s one of our producer’s pseudo personalities.

Maybe We’re All Depressed

While politicians like to talk of big things like terrorist attacks and global warming and where to put the rest of the $350 gazillion of bailout money, my friends and loved ones seem to talk of something else–depression.  Since I’m been open about my battles with that and anxiety the past few weeks, others have been telling me that they’re struggling, too.  I don’t know if seasonal affect disorder has gone amuck, but we could all use some rays of sunshine it seems.

My one friend just got out of rehab to a less-than-supportive family, save for her sister, my other good friend.  Another friend lost his job and his family is looking for direction.  A woman I know has been working a couple of part-time jobs to make ends meet and was dumped by a romantic interest who “just wants to be friends.”  Others like me are apprehensive about the directions of our lives and trying to make it through the day.  There are various factors at play in the psyche of the nation and people are just so danged down.

A lot of people are placing their hope in soon-to-be President Obama, like he’s some sort of messiah for the United States.  If he’s unable to turn our frowns upsidedown, will we “crucify” him?  It seems like an awfully tall order for one man, who isn’t even God-incarnate.  Even though I support McCain, I am hopeful that Obama can do some good things for our nation.  I want him to succeed and am proud for this country to have its first black President.

However, hope placed in a man is still hope that is misplaced.  In Jeremiah 29:11, God talks about the plans for He has for His people–plans to give them a hope and a future (my friend Alyssa named her blog, Plans for Hope, after this verse).  I don’t think this verse is JUST for the Israelites of old, but it’s for us today.  Despite all the stuff around us that compress our hearts, keep us awake at night with worry, and cause so much pain, God has plans for hope in our lives.  It’s just surviving on the tiny bit of faith we can muster–faith of a mustard seed.

I don’t think we’re going to become magically undepressed (or unanxious) because of my blog post, but through mutual understand and prayer and Bible reading and other inspiration, I think we can make it through this together.  Who knows how long this season of our lives will last?  But at least winter will be over towards the end of March.

I hate feeling like this.  You hate feeling like this.  Yet we’re all in this together, despite our separate stories, our journeys have joined us together on this path.  So, take your hand in mine and we’ll trudge through this depression (and anxiety) together.  We’ve no other choice but to believe God’s promises.

The Rugged Path

The other day I blogged about how the day after a long holiday (especially after Christmas/ New Year’s) is gray and mushy; I failed to mention that this time of year is particularly difficult for me in other ways, too.  The past few years I’ve had the after-Christmas/is-the-sun-ever-gonna-shine-again blah’s.  Three years ago, I was given an even bigger reason to detest the first week of January–on Jan. 6, 2006, my grandfather passed away.  I was there with him holding his hand as he died of renal failure, very painful and very difficult to witness.  It’s funny how the “happiest time of the year” can give birth to what I find to be the saddest.

I try to be real about what’s going on because I know someone out there probably feels just as beat down as I do today.  It’s as if the little spark that gives me zestiness and flavor has been extinguished…and I don’t know how to ignite a fire within me once again.  I lie in bed with my journal frantically writing down my thoughts–secrets known only between God and me.  If the depression doesn’t eat me up, surely the anxiety will.

I spend a great deal of time and energy fighting off the fear that courses through my veins.  The hormone adrenalin is already reacting to a non-existent fight-or-flight situation, so my brain races to find a fear.  It doesn’t take too long before I fall back on hypochondria, self-defeat, and other classic stand-bys.  The day has barely started and I’ve already been defeated.

I’m learning to rework my thoughts, to rail against the hormones, and to fight against these diseases that suck so much of my life away.  I pray to my God and find comfort in Him alone, especially when pat answers fall so very short.

When I experience these “flare-ups” (that’s what I like to call them), it’s hard for me to focus on little else.  I turn inward and upward because it’s all I can do to make it through the day.  Believe me, friends,  I am trying and fighting and winning.  The war isn’t won all at once, but by a series of battles.  It’s one of these battles I am fighting now, but I will win the war…or rather the war is won in Christ, yet the battle rages on.  It’s a strange sort of war, fought on so many fronts–personal, emotional, psychological, social, spiritual, and so on.

I don’t want to make it sound too pretty, too messy, or too personal; I merely want to explain what is going on.  I’m not looking for sympathy, attention, or any of that.  But I will humbly accept your prayer and thank you for taking my request to the throne of grace.

At times, the path becomes difficult to tread upon for us all.  Right now, it is difficult for me to walk on this rugged path.  But I will walk it anyway.

Post on Cutting :: Secret Under the Sleeve

I know that cutting isn't limited to teens, but I made this image for an article on Backseat Writer and thought it would be appropriate.

I haven’t written about one of the topics close to my heart in a while–cutting and self-injury. Truth be told, it’s not a particularly easy topic for me to cover. There’s always that lion of temptation that haunts me even now, so I do have to be careful how much time I devote to writing about cutting (writing, as opposed to talking, is especially tricky because writing is a solitary activity).

Recently, one of my former professors, Dr. Phil Monroe, asked me to write a post about cutting for his blog, Wise Counsel. Since Dr. Monroe encouraged me in my writing while at seminary, I was honored to provide an informative post, which you can check out here– On the Problem of Cutting :: Secret Under the Sleeve.

When I wrote about cutting a few months ago here on Atypical Musings, I had no idea that the post would have such an extraordinary response. “Cutting//Emo//Hope//God” wasn’t a particularly eloquent post, nor do I feel it was one of my best. However, it’s been read more than even my musings on Hannah Montana, imagine that!

It saddens me to know that there are still so many girls (and guys) out there wrestling with razor blades on their wrists. There are a ton of books and websites dedicated to this topic, but a lot of them seem to address the symptom (the cutting) and not the deeper issue (the reason behind the cutting). However, just dealing with cutting on its own and ending self-injurious behavior is a battle. I’d considering ways I can help share my own story with others, be an encouragement, and perhaps put my writing to good use. Please keep this in prayer if you are so inclined, but also pray for the thousands of teens who will cut themselves today–pray that they make the choice to stop and to get help.

With Love and Flowers

 

She is Beautiful, yet she doesn’t always think so

She has big dreams for a bright career

When she is nervous, she plays with her hair

She has a birthday… 1977 although I would have guessed the 80’s

She has two smiles, the real one is much better

She wants to have a baby and a family

She wants to forget about this part

She hopes for something more

[One of the many alleys in the Red Light District]

Awkwardly standing in front of the window I put my heart on the line by extending my love through a white and pink rose. Droplets of water had formed on the delicate petals and had smudged the writing on the love letter than accompanied the stem. I was no one, maybe even a potential client. The message was simple – God created you, your life is important, His love for you is better than life itself.

We all need to be loved. We were created with a desire for intimacy, for deep personal connection. Amsterdam is one of the last places that you will find it.

[I was amazed at the amount of tour-groups threading through the district]

We got a small group together and started praying about what we should write to accompany the flowers that we would hand out to the girls behind the glass. We rifled through our pocket sized Bibles led by ideas and references that would speak life into a dark place. Although we didn’t get around to doing a whole lot with the ministries in the RLD because of the short time we were there, this was what God wanted us to do; possibly even the reason that we were here.

The next night we stared at all of the flowers before getting busy attaching the love notes. Someone had been looking for something to give money towards and when they heard of the Flower Campaign, the Lord provided more than enough through them. There were ten of us that were going out on delivery, carrying with us more than flowers and strips of paper.

[The Cleft is in the middle of the Red Light District and provides some amazing ministries to Amsterdam's lost and broken]

The time had come. We paired up and headed out. I went with Deni, one of the staff of the program I was with. As we walked, the closer we came to our destination, the more feelings stirred in our hearts. We arrived with an arm-full of flowers. The first interaction was the most difficult and nerve-racking. As far as we knew, people just didn’t do what we were doing; there was always something else involved. I have an odd way of explaining what happened when they received the flower and knew that it was a gift… It appeared as if scales fell from their eyes. It is a weird way of explaining the phenomenon, but words escape me if I try to say it any differently. Their eyes literally changed and they became human. Now, obviously, I know that they are human, made in God’s image and deeply loved, but they have been objectified to the point that there is a disconnect with who God created them to be. So when they received something beautiful for simply being loved by God, grace came flooding in. With some it was a little more obvious than others, but I know that the messages symbolized in the flower were delivered precisely to the people they should have. It was an amazing time, I too, felt valued and loved by God.

We continued to walk, praying. We realized that we were no different from the people walking around the RLD searching. They search for the girl that will satisfy, but we know that the love of Christ and the Father is the only thing. We have all given ourselves over to selfish desires as well, searching for that element of life that will set us on fire with fulfillment. It is part of what being human is. One of my favorite authors, Brennan Manning puts it this way. “To be alive is to be broken. And to be broken is to stand in need of grace.” We all need the remarkable, exposing, and uncomplicated love of Christ. Since I have seen a glimpse, it doesn’t make me any better, because without Him, I am nothing, wretched.

[St. Nicholas Church in towers over the Red Light District (not seen here). Interestingly enough, St. Nicholas is the Patron Saint of prostitutes among other things]

We were on our way out of the district when I looked down and saw a broken flower on the ground… someone in our group had given it out. I reached down and picked up the discarded blossom saddened by what it represented. The paper was torn, the writing blurred beyond recognition. The head of the daisy was incredibly whole so I kept it, not knowing what the future would hold. As we passed the last window on our way out, my eyes met the disconnected glance of the girl who occupied it. I approached the window, again putting my hope on the line. She opened the window and we began to talk. Deni and I stood awkwardly as she explained all the scenarios of why we should come inside… It was difficult to stand there, extremely uncomfortable. Why was I standing there? Why had I found that last flower? Why this window? We eventually paid for 30 minutes of her time (how it usually works) and entered the room, flooded with red and black lights. We took off our rain soaked jackets and sat down on the bed. As we talked about life, hopes, family, and hard times, the time flew by. 45 minutes later it was time to go, she had to get back to work, we had to go back to our residence. Since then, my mind has replayed the events of that night over and over in my head… We said goodbye and I hoped that I would never see her in that window again. What can I say? What words can describe the thoughts in my head and feelings in my heart? There aren’t enough flowers.

["Window Shopping" as it is often called]

I came to Amsterdam frustrated, but left with a broken heart. I look forward to going back. It is a city of confusion, brokenness, and misguided seeking, but also a city where those who are searching can be filled with everlasting water and the Bread of Life. Where sin abounds, so does Grace^{(Romans 5:20)}.

May love flow from God into your life and from your life into the lives of others.
The opportunity is ours.

Backseat Writer welcomes John Paul Vicory to the site! JPV is traveling the world, taking pictures, and sharing the love of God with others as he goes.

“No Hope”

Fox News Photo: May 12: Rescuers search for students at Juyuan Middle School in Juyuan Township of Dujiangyan City, China. 900 students were in the school at the time of the earthquake.

The headline from the New York Times article reads, “‘No Hope’ For Children Buried in Earthquake.” While we were celebrating Mother’s Day here in the states, mothers across the world were tucking their children into bed, waking them up, feeding them breakfast, and sending them off to school. Little did the mothers in Dujiangyan know that they would never see their children again. When the tumultuous quake hit, the school was leveled taking 300 lives with it.

The article is heart-breaking as it says, “Little remained of the original structure of the school. No standing beams, no fragments of walls. The rubble lay low against the wet earth. Dozens of people gathered around in the schoolyard, clawing at the debris, kicking it, screaming at it. A man and woman walked away from the rubble together. He sheltered her under an umbrella as she wailed, ‘My child is dead! Dead!’” This is just a bit of the tragedy striking the region, where 10,000 are estimated dead.

Not too far away, the country of Myanmar is sifting through their own tragedy from the cyclone that hit the country last week. Two million people are waiting for food and basic necessities or their bodies will be added to the death count of 32,000 (which could climb as high as 100,000). (Full article)

It seems piddly to mention the tornadoes that ravaged the Midwest, but 24 lives were lost, homes were destroyed, and lives were forever changed (story). No matter what the death toll or how heavy the damage, loss is still loss.

All these events center around a theme that seeks to capture my heart so very often–there is NO HOPE (or as the Trekkies say, “Resistance is futile”). I’ve never had to scour through the bits and pieces of my home wondering what would happen next. I know what it’s like to feel that your life has been ripped wide open, but never had the same thing happen with my residence.

Death, destruction, disaster, chaos–there is no seemingly no hope. I’d like to think that there are a few little hearts beating under the pile of rubble that was once Juyuan Middle School in China, but I don’t know. I’d like to believe that everyone will be OK, but some will probably go stark raving mad at the trauma of it all. Some people will never recover from this tragedy, physically, financially, or emotionally. The only hope, then, lies in the spiritual, in a God who is in the business of hope.

Hope has to remain, even though it can make little sense. The chance there could be a life under the rubble makes people claw at it like animals. Our belief that lives should be saved helps to send tons of food over to devastated countries and helps us rebuild the homes of our own citizens. Though they have little or no hope, we must hope for them because they cannot hope for themselves. And we should be on our knees before the Living God asking for His grace and mercy to be shown to these people as never before, for we do not hope foolishly; we hope faithfully.

Hope in Cynicism

Photo by Damien Katz

I often talk to a friend of mine (more like a little brother) who’s a freshman in college.  Though he’s been through some rough times, he still has so much passion and zeal for life.  Despite the bumps in the road, he’s willing to take on the world.  Another girl I know, same age, is even more fierce.  A guitar in one hand and a Bible in the other, she’s an amazing force of love and energy rolled into a petite frame.  The thing I enjoyed most about my years in youth ministry (and will enjoy about college ministry) is the absolute wonder with which younger folks have as they come into adulthood.

Way back when I was 19 (all of 9 years ago), I remember being so idealistic.  I looked at cynical adults with pity and wondered what they were like when they were my age.  I finally have an answer–some of them where probably a lot like me.  “The troubles of the world” strangled my idealism–an ongoing extra-martial affair, divorce, severe medical issues, car accidents, death, remarriage, breaking down of relationships, loss of trust.  Yet when I think about the parable of the sower (Matthew 13:1-23), I wonder, how can the very real troubles of this world *not* strangle us?

“The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.” (Matt. 13:22)

I’m not making excuses for foolish behavior; I merely want to point out that while parables are meant to teach, they are not always absolute.  They’re not as black and white as we’ve been taught to believe (in fact, in my Bible Jesus’ parables are red).  The truth is that no matter how big of a plant, nor how little; we all get strangled…but we do not all whither away and die.  We do get caught up in the troubles and the wealth of this world, and we hold on.

” A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.” (Isaiah 42:3)

Yet hope remains for the bruised reeds of the world.  Jesus quotes this passage in Isaiah when speaking in Matthew 12:20, which is a whole chapter ahead of the parable of the sower.  I suppose even those who are strangled (and bruised) have hope for redemption, hope for uh, hope.  Even in my cynicism, God will not break me, but He will choke the pride right out of me–even when “it feels like death to me” (Derek Webb quote!).

I wonder if idealism and youth go hand-in-hand, or if there’s hope for cynics.  I once heard an extended recording of Keith Green singing, “Lord, You’re Beautiful”.  He said that as he wrote that song in the wee hours of the morning, he prayed that God would give him “baby skin” around his heart again.  That’s my prayer, too, that I would have the soft idealism of my youth would return.  I’m not yet 30 and I feel so old, so beaten, so broken, like I’ve been alive forever but am now just starting to actually live.

Here and there, I see glimpses of it–that idealism, which is just out of grasp.  I chase after it like a little girl looking for fairies in the woods or a dog chasing a rabbit.  The thrill of idealism is in the hunt, isn’t it?  That’s the part that makes us start to feel alive again; the part where we actually start to care.  I want to throw off the shackles of apathy and run full force into wonder again.  Yet hurt holds me back, so I walk carefully between the shadows and the sunshine in the forest of possibility, daring myself to chase after my dreams, which are so close and yet so far.