Divorce #2

I have been through two divorces—the ripping apart of one flesh back into two, the division of marital property, wedding pictures thrown into the trash bags along with the hopes and dreams ignited that day, a million tears falling on damp pillows in the darkest of nights.  Yes, I’ve been through two divorces.

The strange thing is—I’ve never been married.

The end of any marriage is a tragedy because marriages weren’t made to end.  But since the Fall of Man, nothing on this Earth follows its original design.  My mom will soon be officially divorced—twice.  I know the shame of having two failed marriages eats at her like termites slowly devouring the foundation of a house.  Sometimes a house needs to fall so its foundation can be rebuilt…and I have seen my mother’s life bottom out.  Now because of the grace and love of God and His people, she is setting a new foundation and rebuilding her life.  Go, Mom!  I am so proud of you!

However, no matter how much it hurts the people I love, I have to be honest.  I’m still reeling from living through two divorces—the first occurring when I just turned 20 and the other just a few months ago.  While I pretend I am just fine, on the inside, it’s killing me.  See, after seeing how a man can ravage a woman through unfaithfulness (my father) and major abuse (my stepfather), I do not think I ever want to open my heart to a man.  I just don’t see how I could survive it.

To cover my pain, I joke about finding “Mr. Right.” For example, the other night when there was an impromptu fire in the dumpster on my mom’s side of the apartment complex, I joked that I should yell “My hero!” and plant a kiss on one of the firemen.  Of course, I was met with uproarious laughter because despite it all, I can still make ‘em laugh.  Like a clown without face paint, I can put on a good show.  The last thing I wanted to do was go near a man, especially a good looking one in uniform.  Even though it’s true, I do have a weakness for a man who can run into a burning building when everyone else is running out.  I’ve really been taken in by the whole “damsel in distress” myth.

If I’m honest with myself (and everyone else), my heart has been hurt by men who were supposed to love me, to show me how a godly man acts, and to guide me through the roughest times in my life with fatherly wisdom.  Why, then, would I want to marry a man who has the potential to wreck havoc on my life?  To destroy me in ways I’ve seen men destroy other women, particularly my mom and my best friend?

I understand that my view is not a particularly romantic or even a realistic view of love and marriage, but it’s the only one I’ve been able to witness firsthand.  Like I said, I’ve been through two divorces…and I’ve never been married.

Free Jeep…But There’s a Catch

Actual jeep from ksl.com

…and that catch is you!  If you’re a single breathing male, then let’s hook up.  OK, that’s not quite how 38 year-old Kelly O’very worded her classified ad in a local paper.  Tired of the dating scene, this Salt Lake City woman placed an ad in the “For Barter or Trade” section reading, “Free Jeep with Wedding Ring…Let’s Get Hitched!”  So far, O’very has received over 300 replies (full story).  I guess there are a lot of men in Salt Lake City looking for a Jeep with lifelong commitment.

Since O’very is an outdoorsy, adventuresome gal, she thought maybe she could attract a guy who wouldn’t just love her for her Jeep, but also share her love of four-wheeling.  So far, there’s no word on whether or not O’very found the Jeep-lover of her dreams, but it begs the question–is that Jeep paid off or what?

Anyway, I have a red Chevy Tracker and if any guy wants to marry me, he can totally take it for oil changes,

This is my actual vehicle, which I'm not ready to trade for a spouse.

lube jobs, fill it with gasoline, and wash it!  For me, it’s more like, get me and you get my fine automobile, too (plus a couple of cute dogs, a bird, and a kickin’ book and CD collection).  Then again, I’m not ready to share all my goodies with a future mister, not yet.

I also read a story about a man who went on a whopping three dates a day until he found the right woman (full story).  According to the article, men “cast their nets wide” figuring if they meet more woman, then they have better chances of meeting “The One.”  Meanwhile, my theory is that women find a man attractive and hope he is “The One.”  I’m not sure about that; it’s only a theory based on my former crushes.

But this whole thing has me wondering–is not getting married *that* bad?  Can people be single–alone without being lonely?  People say singleness is a gift, yet it’s treated like a bad gift, as deplorable as fruitcake at Christmas.  But after talking to married woman in my Bible study, I realize they have given up their freedom.  They have to “check” with their husbands before they do anything and are expected to perform wifely duties.  Then there’s that touchy issue of biblical submission in marriage.  To be unhitched is to run freely though the fields of life, unencumbered by commitment to a man, and solely committed to God.

I’m not putting down marriage or even saying I don’t want to get married…some day.  I’m merely saying being single isn’t all that bad. Plus, no one tries to steal the covers from me in bed and I don’t have to share my closet. Or my car.

What Men Want

Remember that movie What Women Want, where Mel Gibson is given the “gift” of hearing women’s thoughts? Men always say that women are so hard to figure out, but guess what? Guys aren’t any easier to decipher. Fortunately, AOL Personals comes to the rescue once again with more sage-like wisdom on dating, love and marriage. Today, ladies, we will learn the number one thing that men are really looking for in a wife. This should be good.

Men want someone who is…like their mother.

While I’m sure this doesn’t take into account men who have moms bordering on psychotic (although you never know…), is this what guys really want? And why? Do they want someone to take care of them, cook, clean, and kiss their boo-boos? Does this mean I need to find a guy whose mom doesn’t enjoy cooking, sports, or rap music? That shouldn’t be too hard, right?

According to a study conducted by researcher Christine Whalen (who also authored Why Smart Men Want Smart Women), men also want a woman who has similar achievements to mom, meaning that if mom stayed home with the kids, so should his wife. Or if mom has a graduate degree, so should the ideal spouse.

Here are some other facts from the article:

” — 72 percent of mothers of high-achieving men worked outside the home after they had children.

– Among those men, 75 percent agreed or strongly agreed with the statement “Men are more attracted to women who are successful in their careers.”

– Men who grew up with working moms were almost twice as likely to marry a woman who makes $50,000 or more per year.

– 62 percent of high-achieving single men disagreed with this statement: “Women who are stay-at-home parents are better mothers than women who work outside the home.”

OK, so weigh in–what do you folks think about this information? Men, agree or disagree? I’m especially interested in the opinions of men who had less-than-stellar mothers. Women, have you found that the males you’ve dated (or married) have wanted you to be like mom?

How Guys Think

Maybe men really are from Mars…

I was telling my friend, Jen, about how ridiculous I am when it comes to relationships with guys. My feelings always get hurt because I misinterpret the actions of the men in my life. Being an only child and a survivor of childhood abuse, I’ve been pretty clueless for many years on the opposite sex. While I’ve been able to open up to my guy friends and father-like figures, I sometimes get it really, really wrong. If you’re like me, you’ll find what my friend Jen told me to be helpful.

“1. Guys are not nearly as complicated as we women make them out to be. Guys are simple; it’s us that complicate things.”

“2. Guys think differently about things than women do. You talk to a guy for 3 hours, you hang up & rehash every word. The guy hangs up & thinks about what’s for supper.”

“3. Taking that into consideration, guys are basically straightforward & very short-term memory, he’s probably clueless that you’re waiting to hear back or he just forgot to call.”

This is great advice because as a woman I tend to complicate EVERYTHING, rehash every conversation to make sure I said the right stuff (transcribing interviews is the worst), and I think guys are as analytical as me. Then I realize how ridiculous I am and it dawns on me–maybe this is why I’m not married! I’m neurotic!

When I said this to Jen she told me to join the club, adding, “ We’d have meetings, but when we cancel the other members think it’s because we’re avoiding them.” I can be a pretty straight shooter, except when it comes to my personal relationships…oh, gosh, to be a woman!

Helping Guy Meet Girl, Part 1

Spring is in the air, and you know what that means?  More roadkill!  Deer, birds, rabbits, and other creatures are so twitterpated that they’re ignorant of things like roads and vehicles.  Blinded by their instinct to mate, our animal friends leap to and fro ignoring their surroundings…and end up dead…on the side of the road.

Such is the case with many guys who don’t know how to treat a lady right.  After a date or two (if it even gets that far), they become romantic roadkill.  The stench of their dating defeats is strong.  So, guys, I don’t want to leave you in the dark on dating, I’m here to help you meet the woman of your dreams.  And I’m making it all up myself.  Yeah, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride.

Step #1 Get a date. Times are a’changin’, but from where I’m sitting the guys are still responsible for doing the asking.  Every woman knows you’re scared to ask her out–do it anyway.  She’ll admire your courage and might give you a pity date even if she’s not at all interested.  It’s really much harder for girls who have to sit around looking beautiful all the time waiting for guys to make the first move.  A lady doesn’t want to read romance novels; she wants to live in one (minus the raunchy stuff.)

Step #2 Go on the first date; bring flowers. Many people falsely think that a bad first date can make or break a relationship.  So not true.  Awkward first dates are the hallmark of fun, especially when you can look back as a couple years later and laugh about it.  When you try to show the other person the “best side” of you, instead of the real you, what can you expect but a bunch of blunders and laughs?

Guys, don’t be cheap.  She’s not a primadonna or anything, but she does want to know that you care.  Bringing a bouquet of flowers, even if you picked them yourself (especially if you picked them yourself) or some other sort of amusing/thoughtful trinket is appreciated.   Flowers make her feel beautiful and that is a big struggle for women.

Don’t forget to tell your date how amazing she looks, even if she looks horrible.  If you really can’t think of anything nice to say about her appearance, say something like, “It’s really nice to see you tonight.”  That’s true, right?  You did ask her out so I hope you’re happy to see her.

Step #3 The Big Goodnight. Unless the date was terrible and you are thinking about moving into another zip code to get away from this siren, go for a hand kiss.  It makes a girl feel like a lady.  You respected her purity and showed interest.  It is a polite gesture that has all but disappeared from our society (except in nursing homes when young ladies get hit on by old men–that’s a another story for a another day).

Step #4 Call her, dangit! Look, there are all sorts of “time lines” for calling your date.  Just do it.  If you think she’s sitting by the phone waiting for your call, she’s not.  She’s out with her cell phone waiting for your call.  Don’t play stupid games.  If you like her, ask her out again.  If you’re not interested in going out with her again, make that clear during “The Big Goodnight” or on the follow-up call.

Step #5 Go on a second date and so on and so forth. This is fairly self-explanatory.  If a break-up should occur, mend your wounds and then head back to Step #1 when you’re ready.  Make sure you’re ready.  Your new date doesn’t want to be regaled with tales of your ex-girlfriend.

Step #6 Propose. On bended knee–don’t be lazy.

Step #7 Get Married.

That’s the basic outline of meeting girl-marriage.  Follow it; live it; use it or end up roadkill.

In Part 2 of “Helping Guy Meet Girl”, we’ll take an in-depth look at how to talk to girls and striking up that all-important first conversation.

How to Stay Hitched

Follow these tips to stay married and this is how you’ll spend your golden years!

In March, we covered the topic, “How to Be Irresistible to Men”.  If you missed the post, it’s OK.  You can go back and read it here, and then catch up with us.

In the two months since last we talked about relationships with the opposite sex, I hope you were able to become irresistible to men.  If you successfully completed the program, you’re probably ready for the next step in your relationship, and that is marriage!  Brought to us by the same wise folks who gave us “Irresistible”, I bring you “The Ideal Bride”, more tips from those AOL Wolmen’s Health folks (link).   These are tips to help your marriage last, and not end in divorce…so heed the wisdom of these sages.

1. Go to college. The smarter you are the better chance that you won’t end up marrying an idiot because you’re be intelligent enough to tell the difference.  Actually, it’s because if you’re educated, you have less chances of fighting over money because you’re both rolling in dough.  According to the article, this decreases divorce by 13%.

2. Get really old and then get married. If you’re over the age of 25 when you say “I do” that chance of divorce decreases 24%.  That’s what I’m still single at 28…yeah.

3.  Be Daddy’s little girl. Having a Dad to chase off weird guys with shot guns prevents women from marrying unfitting spouses.  OK, so it’s the father/daughter bond thing….uh…the good news is that you can bond with your hubby’s father (hopefully his family isn’t as unstable as yours!)

4.  Get God. It seems that 19% of folks who share a religion don’t get divorced (probably because it’s taboo in some religions).  Or maybe, as I hope, I’m meet a guy who is passionately in love with God first and me second…a man with a Bible is so sexy (no, I’m not being sarcastic…for once!)

5. Be rich. Or at least upper middle class…folks who make $50,000 have a 34% chance of staying together because they aren’t constantly bickering about money.  Of course, that’s assuming they spend their money wisely.  Perhaps they just go on separate vacations a lot.

6.  Wait 7 months to procreate (or adopt).  Kids help solidify a marriage…ain’t that beautiful?  Personally, I’d like to start with a couple of dogs and see how that goes because I involve little humans.  Tiny humanoids add a whopping 24% chance you’ll stay together.

7.  “Marry a boy toy.” That is s direct quote from the piece.  Now I don’t know about you, but I think marrying the toys of boys is a little weird.  I mean, I’m sure a He-Man action figure would be faithful and all…it’s just not the relationship I see for myself.  Ok, so marrying a younger man (or an action figure) gives you a 5% chance of staying together forever and ever and ever.

If you add up all these percentages–13% for being college educated; 24% for being over 25; 19% for being religious, 34% for making over $50K, 24% for baby, and 5% for boy toy–that you have a 119% chance of staying married…go you!  You’re gonna make it!

OK, so what are my current odds of staying married once I become irresistible to the right guy?

13% for being college educated, 24% for being over 25, 19% for being religious, don’t make that much, I want to adopt a kid eventually or maybe I’ll just want dogs.  We could stay together for the dogs, dangit!  I’ll split the difference (12%), and heck, I’ll marry He-Man (5%).  My odds are 73% according to this highly reliable article.  Still pretty good though!

And that’s it…seven great tips from the female health experts at AOL.com  Now you know how to stay hitched once a guy finds you irresistible.  Hopefully, the experts will get us an article on how to spot Mr. Right so we know if we’re being irresistible to the wrong guys.  One can only hope.

It’s A Cook Off!

The very single David Cook.

Yes, ladies, David Cook is single. That’s one of the fascinating tidbits viewers picked up with tuning in to “American Idol’s” elimination show tonight. This season viewers can now call in on elimination nights to ask questions to the judges or contestants. Naturally, the questions are always of a serious nature and important to the betterment of our great country, like asking David Cook if he is single . Personally, I can sleep better at night knowing that the next day I may get a phone call from the very single David Cook asking me out on a date (a girl can dream, can’t she?)

Another caller asked Paula Abdul to describe her relationship to Simon Cowell using one of her songs–”Straight Up” was SImon’s choice, while Randy Jackson and Ryan Seacrest suggested “Cold-Hearted Snake”, Paula decided on “Opposites Attract” (making Simon the dancing cat in the video) and then informed Simon that she will never be “Forever Your Girl”. I’m sure he was crushed being as he’s engaged to a former model.

Let the poor girl buy back her horse!

The saddest question came from a view who asked Kristy Lee Cook if she was able to buy back her horse–the horse she sold so she could afford to chase her dream of becoming the next “American Idol”. Unfortunately, the man who bought Kristy’s horse seems unwilling to part with the animal. And then things got worse for Kristy, she was kicked off “American Idol”. But, wow, did she go out with a bang! Sitting practically in Simon’s lap, Kristy sassily sang her swan song. It was the most hilarious farewell performance I have ever seen on the show. I’ll miss her spunk.

Kristy was joined in the Bottom 3 by Syesha and BROOKE WHITE! Let me get this straight–Brooke is in the Bottom 3 while Carly Smithson can merrily skip off to safety. The Davids staged a sit-in during elimination refusing to go to safety (though Carly was happy to head to the couches and Jason Castro probably had no clue what was going on so we really can’t blame him for anything. I’m not even sure he realizes he’s on planet Earth).

I could end my post here, but then I’d miss out on telling you about Mariah Carey’s performance on tonight’s show. Wearing something that looked like a black bathing suit from the 1920′s she belted out her new song, “Bye Bye” (at least I think that’s what it was called). Mariah wasn’t the only fashion misfit on tonight’s show; Paula looked like she was growing a flower out of her neck. I know Fox is going green and all, but really.

Vote for Brooke!!!

The good news (besides David Cook being single) is that Brooke is safe for another week…but just barely. Sarah and I can’t continue to call 200 times every Tuesday night. You people have got to step up to the plate and ensure that Brooke stays a little longer–at least longer than Carly Smithson, Jason Castro, and maybe Syesha. I’m counting on all of you to keep Brooke in until the Final Four, maybe the Final Three. If you don’t do it for Brooke, then do it for me. And if you really care, get me a date. If you can’t decide between voting for Brooke or getting me a date, choose the latter because I haven’t been on a date in a really long time.

The Confident Woman

 
“A Woman’s Shadow”, mixed media, by J. Holland Berkley 

Since I wrote the post, “I Wish I Was Beautiful”, I’ve had a lot of interesting comments.  In fact, I think it’s the only non-Hannah Montana post that’s generated that much “conversation”.  Interestingly enough, when I check out my blog stats to see what search terms people used to find my blog, one that pops up a lot is “beautiful”.  In some way, it seems, we are all searching for beauty–some image, some definition, some standard.  It’s undeniable–beauty attracts.

Yet a lot of people have mentioned that if I had more self-confidence, I would have a better time meeting guys.  I never wrote that post to lament my lack of a boyfriend; I have plenty of other opportunities to do that.  I was trying to dive to the heart of an emotion that is common to a lot of women.  Even though we spend money coloring our hair, hours putting on make-up, and lots of energy buying clothes, we still don’t feel beautiful.  We try to tell ourselves that “it’s what’s inside that counts”, and it should be, but it often doesn’t count.  Or at least it doesn’t count enough.

But, really, what does it mean when we say, “it’s what’s inside that counts”?  I love the idea of someone falling in love with my character, with my hopes and dreams, with my brain, with my humor, and with my ideas, but I’m not sure anyone ever has.   One of my amazing talents is gift wrapping.  After having worked for as a gift wrapper at a department store one Christmas season, I can also say I’ve wrapped professionally (or that I’m a professional wrapper…hahaha!)  When my roomie wants her gifts wrapped nicely, she comes to me.  Not only do I do a stellar job, but I’m fast, efficient, and I know where to stick a bow when I’m done.  Sometimes even the crappiest gifts look better if they’re wrapped nicely.  Seriously, don’t presents look better when they’re tied up in a pretty package?   I think so.  Although I’ve gotten some great gifts that were just handed to me in a plastic bag as well.  If I was to choose between a nicely wrapped present and something in a plastic bag, I’m going to take the former.  Although the plastic bag might entice me, just because I would want to see what was in it.  Perhaps the shoddy covering is misleading, and the true gem lies inside.

That probably comes from living life as great gal wrapped in a plastic bag body.  But what has been truly fascinating to me is that, not only do other girls (and boys) feel the same way, but that fact that some don’t.  In fact, I’ve been encouraged to “show off my stuff” and “grow my confidence” and all kinds of amazing advice (including one e-mail with tips on how to get a guy to buy me a Diet Coke across the room).  I’m surprised no one bought me a subscription to EHarmony (yet).  What troubles me about this is–I don’t feel that confident.

At times, I’m moderately confident and sassy and yes, these are the times I find guys most responsive.  But I don’t feel like that 24/7.  In fact, some days I’m lucky to run a brush through my hair and change my clothes.  So, how can I be expected to show it off to the world if I’m not feeling it?  Should I fake it?  If I fake it, won’t that be, uh, fake?  Why would I want to attract guys to a fake person, instead of the real me?  I mean, do I really have to be something I’m not all the time to be liked, to be loved, to be valued?  It somehow seems wrong.

Really, I just need more confidence in who I am, not in myself, but who I am in God.  It’s a slow train a’coming, to borrow a phrase from Bob Dylan.  I wish I had the fairy god mother of self-esteem just bippity-boppity-boo me into a confident (but not too confident) woman who can light up the room with a smile.  Yet I would be missing out on the wonderful and tedious experience of being molded by God into what He wants me to be–not what society, my friends, my parents, or what Mr. Right wants me to be.

I could have all the self-confidence in the world and lost my own soul.  I could have all the guys in the room buy me a Diet Coke and still be unhappy.  I could be phenomenally beautiful and when I die, still turn to ash.  Yet who I was, who I am, and who I will be in God –that’s something that’ll last whether or not Mr. Right comes.  But if he does come, he better be prepared to buy me a lot of Diet Cokes to make up for all the time he’s left me a lady-in-waiting.

How to Be Irresistible to Men

Mimi from “The Drew Carey Show” was confident, eccentric, and the take charge-type…and she ended up with Drew’s brother, who liked to wear dresses…hmm…

I was only checking my e-mail…honest. You know how web-based e-mail is–tantalizing little articles pop up on the site’s main screen and well, sometimes, you’ve just got to click ‘em. So I did. The topic–how to be irresistible to men.

Let’s face the facts–I’ve never been all that good in the dating/love department and I am turning 28 next week. Frankly, I need all the help I can get. According to this article based on the book Simply Irresistible by Ellen T. While, here’s how to be irresistibly you (with colorful commentary by yours truly).

1. Exude confidence (or fake it if you don’t have any. Always start relationships off pretending to be more than you really are or just be confident in the fact you’re boring).

2. First impressions matter (so don’t blow it)!

3. Wear perfume or “your signature scent.” Interestingly enough, I once heard that guys dig the smell of cotton candy and lavender–try making those your signature scents. No one likes a gal who goes au natural.

4. Be eccentric (translation, “Be an individual in a world of posers”. Although if you’re being individualistic for the sake of being different, isn’t that sort of like being a poser?)

5. “Accentuate the exotic.” Or get a tattoo so you can be more exotic. Whatever works.

6. Grow your hair long…really long, like Rapunzel, so if you’re ever trapped in a tower, a guy can climb up your locks to rescue you. Ever wonder why she didn’t lob off her hair and make a rope to get herself out of the tower?

7. Seduce him with words…use your “bedroom voice”. I’m sure that’s what Delilah did, and look where it got Samson. Ish. They have 900 numbers for that sort of thing.

8. “Make him the center of the universe.” Treat him like a Greek god he thinks he is. Uh…barf.

9. Be brilliant in conversation. I’m not sure if you use this tip in conjunction with #7, but I do believe it would ruin the whole “brilliance of the conversation” thing. I actually like this tip.

10. Get smartitude. Apparently guys like girls in glasses…hmm…maybe I should trash my contacts.  I do wear my glasses a lot though.

11. “Set the erotic stage.” Moving right along… (Not until you’ve got a wedding band on my finger, bucko!)

12. Take charge in the bedroom laundry room…like throw some dryer sheets in his load or show him how to fold his socks. Nothing sexier than a lady folding socks!

And unlucky #13…Think more like a man…right.

In conclusion, the tipster writes, “The less you need him, the more irresistible you’ll be.” Am I missing something? Didn’t I just learn to make him the center of my universe and grow my hair long for him and talk to him in my bedroom voice to bait please him? Now all of a sudden I don’t need him anymore? No wonder men think women are so irrational–see, I’m thinking more like a man already.

Vlog: Single in the Pew

After a rousing game of Dutch Blitz and Scrabble with some friends, I felt inspired to make this video blog. It’s off the cuff, and I had no idea what I was going to talk about when I turned on my digicam. Yeah, sorry I didn’t glam myself up for y’all. Haha…the still of the video cracks me up…I’m just read to open my yapper any second. Oh, in case you didn’t know, VLOG = video blog…or at least that’s what I’ve decided it means.